I'm a Widow - Now What? - The First Two Months!!!

It's been almost two months since Shelton passed away, and my main goal has been to stay healthy: mentally and physically. I've read too many stories of caregivers who have gotten sick, contracted some exotic cancer, and died after their loved ones passed away and I was determined to not be one of those, and to get through this transition on the 'high' side of healthy, with as much brain power as possible.


Physical Health:

I gave myself the gift of a Seven Day Detox: a la The Raw Divas. What a wonderful organization. The detox consisted of eating only raw or slightly steamed fruits and veggies for four days. The first two days were for prep time and education, followed by a day of water fasting, followed by four days of fruits and veggies. Easier than it sounds. That's right, I said easier. In fact, in the days after the terrible shock of losing your life partner (thirty two years, thank you very much), it was much easier to eat simple foods that took no prep, other than cleaning and chopping. In fact, I got into the adventure of discovering fruits and veggies that I don't normally eat. The most difficult part was lugging the stuff home. Bananas are heavy!!!

I also increased my intake of herbal foods: Sunrider's Nurish-Balance-Cleanse system is easy and makes you feel immediately better. Plus I knew I was feeding all of my body's systems, including my immune system, which is the first one to go when you're under chronic stress.


I forced myself to continue my exercise regime of three days a week at the Y, or did stretches and at home exercises when I couldn't get there.

Mental Health:

For my mental health, I signed up for an on line 30 day seminar series called WISH, or Women's International Health Summit. It just happened to be there when I most needed it. Actually I had been rather active when it came to on line seminars. Most of them were free.

And I increased my Tapping, or EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique exercises, a combination of acupressure and meditation,  that immediately calmed my stressed, depressed  nerves.

Was all of this easy? No. But it was better than sinking into that depression that was waiting for me, right around the corner. It kept me physically and mentally active. The on line series gave me something to look forward to each day when a new seminar was posted. The Detox gave me new and interesting foods to eat and shop for. It meant that I was filling up the time that I normally used caring for My Big Baby, with caring for myself.

It also gave me the energy to coordinate a four day Celebration/Memorial for My Big Baby that lasted a long weekend, involved over one hundred people, and took more prep than a convention. It included a Cocktail party, Celebration/Memorial, Repast, and Breakfast. Plus airline schedules, lists of hotels, caterers, program printers, with friends and family I hadn't seen in dacades!

I'll go into detail for each of my mental/physical health programs in my upcoming blog.

In fact, I'll have to start a new Blog, titled - "I'm a Widow- Now What? -The first two months.

See you there!

My Baby is Gone - Obituary for William E. Shelton, Jr

For my Big Baby

 Obituary

Mr. William Earl “Bill” Shelton, Jr., age 74, of Amelia Island, FL passed away on Thursday evening, March 31, 2011 at his home.

He was the first African American sports agent to manage world class tennis players like Andre Agassi.

Born in Columbia, SC, he was the oldest of four children born to the late, William E. and Ernestine DeVault-Shelton, Sr.  After high school, he attended St. Paul’s University in Columbia, SC where he obtained a Bachelor Degree.  Upon completing his education, Mr. Shelton enlisted in the U.S. Army where he remained until being honorably discharged in 1964. 

He was Vice President, Richard Clarke Associates in New York City, a head hunting agency.

 Mr. Shelton then began a long and distinguished career in Sports Management starting as Vice President of All American Sports, under Nick Bolletierri.  He went on to the position of VP of Player Development at Prince MFG.  In the late 1970s, while coordinating a tennis convention in Miami, FL for Prince Manufacturing, he met his future wife, Yolanda Raven; a veteran of ten Broadway shows, and an accomplished international Model, known as Raven.    Continuing his career as a Sports Agent, he moved to Advantage International  in Washington, DC, then IMG, where he was Vice President of Racquet Sports, where he remained until the early 1900s.  After managing athletes to include, Andre Agassi, Zena Garrison, Vince Carter and Paul Anacone, Mr. Shelton was asked to focus his efforts solely on Agassi Inc. in Las Vegas, NV.  He remained with Agassi, Inc., until 1994 when he opened Bill Shelton & Associates, Inc in Alexandria, Va. 

  Mr. Shelton was a pioneer of Sports Management. He was the first African-American Sports Agent to manage world class tennis athletes.  He was not only a manager and advisor for the best in the world but was a coach, mentor and friend for both young and seasoned athletes, including Arthur Ashe.  He was oftentimes sought out for simple guidance and direction.  He not only cared about the athlete’s immediate career posture but was equally concerned about their future professional lives, after having reached their pinnacle in sports.  After years of visiting and enjoying the Amelia Island, Bausch and Lomb Tournaments, Mr. Shelton and his wife, Raven, made their home here in 2004.  He enjoyed fine dining, good wine and was an invited quest at many Restaurant openings around the world.

Mr. Shelton leaves behind his wife, best friend and companion of 32 years,  Raven, their son, Jeffrey A. Shelton, Manhatten, New York City, NY.  In Atlanta, three sisters, Anna, Rosolind and Claudette. In Columbia, SC, cousins Vickie and Pamela Williams as well as Henry DaVault, Ella and James Williams. and numerous cousins,nieces and nephews.

The family asks that in lieu of flowers donations can be made to:

The Bill Shelton Fund

 to continue his work in mentoring youth aspiring to careers in sports and the performing arts.

The memorial will be held on Amelia Island, in Florida, Saturday
 May 7, 2011.  Detailed info can be obtained at the Oxley-Heard website below.

Please share his life story at www.oxleyheard.com

OXLEY – HEARD FUNERAL DIRECTORS

HELP / Thank you List

The 'What can I do, how can I help!'  HELP / Thank you List

"Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your husband (mother, sister, daughter, friend ...). Is there anything I can do? Really, just let me know if there's anything you need."

As soon as you hear these words from concerned friends and family, or anything that even sounds remotely like this sentiment, whip out your Help/Thank you List.  In the beginning of my husband's illness, I was so overwhelmed just putting out the minute to minute fires of each day that come with caring for the chronically ill, permanently disabled, that I couldn't think of a thing to say when caring friends, who honestly wanted to help, would ask me this question. So I created an on going HELP list. There were some items that were always there, and others that would pop up with each new doctor visit, diagnosis, or phone call.

1.food shopping

2.laundry

3.pick up prescriptions

4.drive to Doctor's (again)

 5. take out for a drive and coffee

6. ocean drive by 

7. open mail - which quadruples with med bills, med reports, test confirmations condolence cards/letters

8. go to DMV and pick up application for Handicap sticker

 9. drop off application, pick up sticker

10. banking

11. post Office run

12. phone visit - call on phone and 'watch' sporting event (Oscars, Emmy Awards, Documentary, 60 Minutes) together - put phones on 'speaker' and visit computer help, office supply run (because make no mistake you are now running a small business, called, 'Full Time Care Giver, Inc.).

13. pick up thank you cards - your creative, artistic friends would probably love to create those thank you cards for

Now, my angels, you can just give or read the list to them and let them pick out some task that they can easily incorporate into their day, week, or month. That way you're getting some much needed help, and your friend feels great because they're doing something to help that is actually quite easy for them to do. A win-win situation, no? 

If you can't think of anything because the stress of the week has left you brain dead, check out a sample list below. Feel free to copy. This will also jump start your weary brain and you'll be amazed at how the list will grow. Now there are things that no one will want to do, but that's OK, because now with everyone doing something, there's more time for you to do those left over chores, and perhaps, can we dream, find time to take that bubble bath or give yourself that home facial.
So copy this Help/Thank you List, and feel free to add more 'stuff'.

For instance, my husband was a sports agent with clients like Andre Agassi, Vince Carter, and Zena Garrison, and had traveled to every major sporting event in the world. Each event had their own tradition. Wimbledon (tennis in London) had strawberries & cream. So one friend called, I put the phone on speaker and he and my husband both ate strawberries and cream and watched Wimbledon together. How fun!

To sum up:

1. Create, or copy, a Help/ Thank you List
2. Give the list to the helper and let them pick out a task
3. Send or give everyone a Thank you Card - preferably designed by that artist in your life
4. Use those extra 'found' minutes to pamper yourself.

And, if you can't think of anything pampering to do, go to the entry titled "Time for Self-Care" and copy that list.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

The Show Begins - Hurry up & Wait

 The Show Begins - Get Ready to
                                         Hurry up and Wait!
　
　
Now you have your 'baby bag', your emergency outfit, and your cross body info bag (oh you don't have that?. Right I've saved that info for my book, "A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving"), with a bit of extra cash, cell phone and keys to everywhere. So the next time you have to jump on a plane and fly to New York because your own mother has forgotten who you are, you'll be dressed, organized and unfrazzled. And who does that harried doctor want to spend an extra two minutes with? The caregiver who arrives crazed, half dressed and oh not so fresh, or the caregiver who is calm, organized and ready for an adult exchange of information? Remember, the object is to get as much information and care for your charge as possible from this overworked, understaffed medical system.

Who knows how long you'll be waiting in an emergency room, patient room, or hallway, leaning up against that now comfortable wall, half asleep? Once you've settled your charge, find a comfortable chair, get out your herbal tea and power bar, and give yourself a pat on the back. Worrying right now does no good and it will do you lots of harm. What will happen will happen. You've done your part to the best of your ability. You asked all the right questions, you've done your research, you've gotten that second opinion. Now let the medical community do its thing.

Use this down time to collect all those pamphlets on additional services, that are always on those side tables. Read them and use them. Ask questions while you're waiting for your husband to finish his third surgery in three months. Always ask, "Where can I get more HELP!" What free or low cost services or supplies does your charge qualify for?

Because our next goal is to take care of ourselves. Caregivers are at risk. They become ill and some actually die. I thought they died of a broken heart, but now I know that they died from overwork, no sleep, and stress, stress, stress! This means that we as caregivers have to be actively looking for ways to destress, calm down, pamper ourselves. It is not selfish. It is survival.
Put in place a real system of relaxation: deep breathing during the day, bubble baths when you can, sound machines that mimic a heartbeat, herbal teas that soothe, not just in times of stress, but as a regular part of your daily regimen. Add in foods that boost the immune system as well. Not just when you have the flu, but every day.
And surround yourself with a community of friends, friends, and more friends.

Get Organized! Mom's Shelf - Bed pans, blankets, pills, oh my! (part 2)

　
Get Organized (part 2) Mom's Shelf

In "Get Organized (part 1)"  I shared with you the joy of creating a supply shelf that was not only functional but beautiful because, let's face it,  you'll spend a good part of your day getting the things you need to take care of your charge.  So if you haven't had time to read part 1, take a moment and go back to that entry.  Our goal is to create more time for ourselves, by not wasting time looking for 'stuff'.

Once I'd created Mom's Shelf I began to organize it even more.
　
I put labels on the lids or sides of each prescription bottle,  with the contents written in bold magic marker, to make finding, and then reading, much easier. Write down what the prescription is for: nausea, pain, blood pressure, etc. This cuts down on mistakes. Most prescription bottles look alike, and in the rush of bi-city travel, and morning brain fog, dispensing the wrong pill from a look alike bottle was a dangerous possibility.
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The goal is to create a space that's welcoming, and makes you smile, instead of a space that turns you off or stresses you out.  Really, how attractive is a bed pan and all that it invokes?

My tower bookcase was purchased from a catalogue (who had time to go shopping), and delivered to mom's front door. The shelf didn't look sterile. On the contrary, the cherry wood color matched my mother's bedroom furniture. It looked like it belonged there. I merchandised it, as if it were an upscale store window display.  I added a tiny bouquet of silk flowers to a corner space with a photo of the family, hanging from one of the shelves. I put the prescription bottles in open wicker baskets, the adult diapers in another, and the serious pain killers in a red box, to make them easier to find when the pain appeared, seemingly from nowhere. I created a space that was attractive, user friendly, and functional. 'Mom's Shelf' even made mom smile.

I taped snapshots of her nurses with their names and schedules, and later pictures of her daughters when she couldn't remember who we were. I turned her queen size bed into a hospital bed with soft, cushy wedge pillows for under her knees and another to elevate her head. I placed colorful African kunta cloths on top of the sterilized blankets, so that she was surrounded with the art and the colors she loved.

I purchased a sound machine with selections for ocean sounds, rainfall, birds, etc. She brought it to the hospital and later, the hospice. It relaxed her, the nurses, and me. The nurses always spent extra time in her room (isn't this what we want?). She never turned it off.

Guests actually wanted to take the entire bookcase, supplies and all, especially the ocean sound machine. The hospital supplies became a thing of beauty, instead of a reminder of dying.

Mom was my best friend. Only seventeen years older than I, and the same age as my husband. In the beginning of her pancreatic cancer we talked about everything, and later I talked, and she listened. I miss my mom. I talk to her still.

　

Who Am I?

　Y.R. Raven, aka "Raven", former, fashion model (Marimekko, Bogner, Giorgio St. Angelo, Karl Lagerfeld),  Broadway show actress/dancer (Bob Fossee, Gower Champion, Tommy Tune, Juan Carlos Esposito, Ken Howard, Meatloaf), and TV talk show host, has been a caregiver for over fifteen years to her husband, William E. Shelton, Jr., first African-American to manage a world class tennis player, Andre Agassi 

I am a speaker, an author, a consultant, a fashionista, a wife, a mom, and a full time caregiver.

I am a third generation New Yorker, and a graduate of the Dalton School and Sarah Lawrence College, with advanced degrees from the University of Madrid, Spain.  My upcoming book,
"A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving," chronicles my fifteen years of care giving (at one point caring for both my mother and my husband in two different cities).

The bio I use for speaking engagements reads as follows:

"When both her husband and then her mother were stricken with cancer, within months of each other, one in New York City and the other in Alexandria, Virginia, Raven fell back on her experience in TV Production and Fashion, and pretended that she was coordinating two shows in two different cities. She'd often created Production Books, normally used to produce shows and events. She used this same format to create a Production Book for Caregivers.

It is humorous, light, and an easy read since the one thing care- givers do not have is time. It's filled with practical how to tips and action lists, as well as tips on how to maintain beauty, wellness, and tranquility in your life, indeed have a life, while being a full time caregiver."

This blog is the foundation of my upcoming book, A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving. Since we may all become caregivers, whether we're ready or not, my first blog is titled "Thrust into Care Giving". It started on February 1, 2011 and is dedicated to my mom my husband. .

Get Organized! Bed pans, blankets, pills, oh my! (part 1)

　Bed pans, blankets, pills, oh my! Let's get organized!


Just like a teeny, tiny little baby can fill up a room with their  'stuff', so to can your charge. My mom had no additional storage space in her New York apartment of over forty years, and her medical supplies were all over the house. That turned day to day life into a treasure hunt, from the medicine cabinet, to the kitchen counter, to the bedside night table,  searching for that new perscription, or set of bandages, syringes, blood pressure monitor. or ointment.

I finally purchased a tower book shelf, eight feet tall, it took up only a square foot of floor space, yet I could store eight square feet of supplies. Think virtically.

Having supplies contained on one tall bookshelf, including those travel size bottles and plastic containers the hospital provides, cut out the run here, run there routine of daily caregiving. It also made it easier for visiting and short term caregivers.

In fact, basic organization can actually save a life. Can you imagine dashing through the house to find that asthma inhaler, when every second counts, or breaking your big toe on that sprint to that half moon plastic up chuck pan (appropriated from the last hospital visit) when your charge is leaning over and ready to erupt? It also made restocking easier, because I could see, at a glance, just what was missing and needed to be replaced. Cancer, or any illness,  is expensive, money is, or will be tight, and I didn't want to have to rebuy items I already had, but lost in the chaos of the front hall entrance.

I taped a medication schedule in bold print to one shelf, and added a post-it pad and pencil, for quick notes, and the numerous phone messages from the dozens of doctors, nurses, suppliers, and friends, that called each day.

The medical supply shelf should be a thing of beauty.   Let's face it.  You will visit that shelf every day, starting first thing in the morning when you dole out the wake up pills, and last thing at night when you rub lotion on their hands.  Your helpers and caregivers will go there too. So let's merchandize.  Make it organized. Let's have some fun!!   More tips next time.

Caregiver Stress Syndrome

Decided to put "After the Fall" on hold and tackle　
Caregiver Stress Syndrome

My background is in theater, fashion and TV.  I was used to being in different places with different sets of people several times a day and every day of the week. The job of caregiving used every skill I had ever learned.  I surmised that the only way I could keep my sanity and really be of help to the two most important people in my life was to treat this challenge as if I was producing two shows in two different cities simultaneously.

Have you heard stories of caregivers who, once their charges had passed away or gotten better, they themselves developed symptoms of cancer or other autoimmune diseases? Or of caregivers suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia and chronic fatigue? In fact some doctors have likened the condition to post traumatic stress syndrome.

Here's my non medical theory:

We caregivers extend so much mental and physical energy on the patient, that their is little left for ourselves. We know that prolonged stress compromises the immune system. A lowered immune system leaves us open to disease. A foggy, sleep depraved brain leaves us open to accidents and poor choices. Exhaustion leaves us little energy to feed the brain or recharge the mind with the things we love like art, music, dancing, or just having tea with friends.

And then there's the guilt. No matter what I was doing for either of my charges, I always felt guilty that I was not with the other charge. Taking time for myself meant taking it away from them. And so I rarely took time. I do remember leaving my mom to fly to my husband. While in Virginia, I called mom, just to see how the nurse was working out, even though I had just seen her earlier that same day. I was halfway through the conversation when I realized that she wasn't quite sure who I was. "It's me, your daughter, Raven". She said, I have to see you to know who you are". I was back on a plane that same day. We'll deal with the financial tole later.

Then there was the day I checked my husband into the hospital in the morning, flew to New York, and checked my mother out of the hospital that evening. By then the exhaustion was so overwhelming that I had to write every moment of my days down in my book, or else I wouldn’t remember the date, the time, or even what city I was in, not to mention which group of doctors I was talking to regarding which cancer. My book and my cell phone were my lifelines.

My purse was packed for caregiver survival: Not the survival of the jungle, but the long hours in hospital waiting rooms,  and airports.

My Survival Purse:- Cell phone with extra battery and charger
- High protein snacks and water ( my Sunrider herbal foods saved my life)
- My own prescriptions (we have medical issues too, you know).
- Toiletry bag packed with travel size soap, deodorant, toothpaste, etc.for quick bird baths in hospital bathrooms while waiting for the expensive Specialist (who usually arrives for his one minute consult, just when you've finally left for the day).
- And my notebook with the names and telephone numbers divided by city, of both sets of doctors, nurses, caregivers, prescriptions, hospitals (nurse's desk), hospital rooms, hospice, housekeepers, nearby friends, family and neighbors.

The most important thing I've learned as a long term caregiver is this:  Caregivers have to take care of themselves, first. No guilt, no excuses.  Plus lots of self love and gratitude that we have the strength to take care of someone else.

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The Importance of Image & Self Esteem (part 2)

Image & Self Esteem (Part 2)

Now let's create that positive, take charge image. The next time your charge is asleep, in the hospital, watching TV, or zonked out on those oh so fabulous pain pills, plan ahead to do something! Instead of collapsing into the nearest chair (gosh it looks so good) start your pre production (that's 'getting ready' in layman's terms).

Pre-Production

1. Put together an entire out fit (or two) that is neat, comfortable, clean, and fits (so many of us revert to baggy clothes, just because we're exhausted and they seem easier to wear). Pick a fabric that does not wrinkle, so you can travel in it and sleep in it if you have to. Do you have an outfit, scarf, etc., that makes people smile? Let's wear it! A positive, first impression/response from the cast (your medical community) is your entree to better service for you charge.

2. Hang the entire outfit on two or three hangers that you tie together along with all undegarments, accessories, shoes, jewerlry, etc. in plastic bags. Put everything in a hang up bag. Pretend you're going on a cruise (we wish).

Now you can dress in less than two minutes, because everything is in one place. You won't spend time looking for that elusive shoe. You'll beat the emergency response team with time to spare.

3. Everyday, no matter what, find five minute gaps in your caregiving chores to shower, shave, or wash your hair. I know it seems impossible, but if you've decided ahead of time that you'll use this free time wisely, you'll get started right away, instead of collapsing into the nearest chair. You'll not finish any task all at once, but you'll do a little each time until it's all done. It takes me a day to give myself a manicure, with all of the care giving interruptions (two days for a pedicure).

4. So during your next free moment start that manicure or pedicure. These take time, but if you decide that all day today is manicure day, you'll do it in stages. Men as well. Remember, the sum of all these parts presents the positive groomed image, which evokes a positve response, which in turn makes your job as a caregiver easier and much less stressful.

The Importance of Image & Self Esteem

　
The Importance of Image & Self Esteem

We all know that when we look good  (groomed, nicely dressed, fresh from a shower), we feel good. In fact we feel much better. But when you're a full time caregiver, you barely have enough time to sit down and have a cup of coffee, much less, shower, put on makeup, shave (for the men), and present a pulled together image to the world.

We also know that it is human nature for others to react to how one looks. It's not fair, it just is. So the groomed, well dressed person often receives better treatment: men will hold open a door, strangers will smile, children will tell you ' you smell good'. Doctors, nurses, technicians, etc., the community you have to deal with on a regular basis, are people too. And they will react to you in the same way.

So, if you want a better room for your charge, or if you have more questions or concerns, and two caregivers show up, equally needy, who do you think will get the most attentiion and the first response?

Now Image is not only important for evoking positive responses, a positive image will also make you feel good. It will give you a sense of power and control. You will more likely interact and ask for services or ask questions, when you feel at your best. If, when the next emergency arises for your charge, you dash out of the house in you pj's, with mussed hair, dry chipped nails, and any pair of ugly shoes that happened to be near the front door, you may not get any response, or attention at all. Is this fair?  No, but it is human nature.
Not only will the 'community' (this includes anybody and everyone that can help you with this crazy period of your life) react to you positively, your charge will also do the same. Sick, disabled people enjoy beautiful things and pleasing scents too you know! Sometimes it's not on a conscious level, but it will be there.

But who has time to present a well groomed, take charge, fragrant Image, when you barely have time to brush your teeth? Actually I'll explain how you can do this and how it will, in the end, save time.　

How am I going to do This?!!! part 2

　

How am I going to do this?!!! (part 2)

And there was the answer right in front of me.  What if I attacked these challenges  the same way I approached Fashion Show and TV Production? Yes! Pretend that I’m producing two shows in two cities simultaneously. Albeit two of the most important shows of my life. The casts would consist of my mother in New York and my husband in Virginia. The crew would be the lawyers, doctors, nurses, caregivers, hospice, etc. The scripts would include each of their cancers, including hospital addresses, meetings with doctors, wills, pre and post care treatments.  The props would include prescription drugs, syringes, adult diapers, bed pans, and wheelchairs. There would be letters and updates to my sisters: one a single mom on the west coast with two kids and one who lived in New York but managed to be too busy with one thing or the other, whenever I asked for help. Yes, I was on my own, but producing, coordinating, planning was so comfortable to me. It was like breathing.

Plus, I'd graduated from The Dalton School, and won a scholarship to Sarah Lawrence College.

Those schools taught me independent thinking, creativity, and leadership. These all women schools, at the time, meant that we girls were in charge of everything: the school newspaper, the athletic club, the math group. I was accustomed to being a leader.

I could feel the control coming back.  So I bought a leather bound journal (production book), divided it into two parts and starting producing my shows.

I fleshed out the characters: their illnesses, diagnosis, needs. I wrote pre production treatments: what services did I need in each of the cities with telephone numbers, fax numbers and addresses of every doctor, hospital, car service, food service, and treatment center. I wrote out my crew list: caregivers, house keepers,  and helpful friends.

I added a month at a glance calendar to the front of the journal and kept all appointments in red for my husband and green for mom so I could easily see which city I had to be in and when. No fear of double booking myself for two appointments in two different cities. Just the way I’d organized my calendar when I was modeling in Europe, and was often in several cities in the same week. Yes, this was much better. I even inserted notes to meditate, breathe, or sleep while I was flying between cities, waiting in emergency rooms, or standing in hallways.

Now, what am I going to wear?

How am I going to do This?!!!

　
　
How am I going to do this?!!!

What happens when the two most important people in your life are diagnosed with cancer, miles apart from each other?
　
When I was faced with the challenge of caring for the two most important people in my life, sick with cancer, in two different cities, I had two choices. I could fall to the floor and wail (which did briefly cross my mind) or I could ask myself this question: How am I going to do this?　
I was in the middle doing a marathon of TV tapings for Image & Style, my public access show. Months earlier I’d called my producer to tell him about my husband's ‘illness’ and my need to take time off from taping. The show was a hit. It had won ‘Best Producer of the Year Award’ and I had a prime spot at 9 PM two nights a week, and he didn’t want to break the momentum. The idea was that I’d tape 2-3 shows a day, get several months worth in the can, and then I would be free to attend to my husband.

Two days later my mother called and I had to call him back. "You’re not going to believe this, I don’t believe this, but my mother has cancer too. I’ve got to leave now. We’ll just have to put the show on hold".  It really wasn’t so hard to make that decision. These were the two most important people in my life and they needed me. More importantly, overwhelmingly, I needed to be there for them. Good Heavens! There was so much to do.
　
I’ve been in theater, Fashion and TV for my entire working career including seven Broadway shows, numerous commercials, High Fashion Modeling and Fashion Show Production.
　
Cancer is not only a word, but the loss of control. I was accustomed to being in control. How could I get some control over all this. My husband had just gone into the hospital for yet another surgery, and now my mother was on the phone telling me she had pancreatic cancer. I’m the oldest daughter and the one she’d always depended on to help around the house, help with my younger sisters, brainstorm problems, and confide in. And now she seemed so lost. She needed me.
　
I called my cousin, Vicky who just happened to be in town with my Aunt Ella, and asked her if she could please pick my husband up from the hospital and stay in my home to care for him, while I flew to NY to put my mother into the hospital.

The bi-city commute was on: three days in New York and three days in Virginia, with a day to do laundry and repack my bags.

No sleep, forgotten meals, mental and physical exhaustion. The baggage handlers knew me by name. Flight attendants asked me how long I’d been working for the airline.

But there was so much to do in both cities, and I was so tired, so drained, that I was starting to have lapses.
I couldn’t make informed, coherent decisions. I felt myself losing control. I needed a new plan. And there was the answer right in front of me.

Thrust into Caregiving

Thrust into Care Giving
When you become a caregiver, you usually don't have a say as to the timing. You can't put it off until you've finished organizing your sock drawer, or cleaning out that storage space. Noooo! One day you're tooling along tackling the usual stressors of life, when, bam, your Aunt Nellie falls and breaks a hip, or your uncle Jack starts wearing two hats, two pairs of pants, and swears he must go visit, right now, his best friend, lover, pet, who you know for sure passed away decades ago.
And bam, you're a caregiver. Or your loved one goes in for a routine procedure, and the doctors, instead, find cancer, and bam, you're a caregiver. It doesn't matter that there is an extended family of hundreds, no one else seems able, available, or healthy enough to take on the task. And you simply can't let Aunt Nellie:
A. go to the emergency alone,
B. deal with complicated doctors and medications, when she's frightened and vulnerable, or
C. go home to an empty house with three flights of stairs.
Some people are born with that dominant caregiver gene. They know intuitively, just what to do. They seem sure, organized, and confident. Others can't even watch a movie about care giving without getting a panic attack. But even if you do have the gene, you will still have to be especially careful to take care of your health, stress levels, and sanity, because natural caregives seem to be called on more often than non gene dominant caregivers, to do their thing. The risk of becoming sick or dying yourself is increased. And if you don't have that gene, the odds are, if you have any friends or family at all, you will be a caregiver at some point in your life, and your risk of compromising your immune system and becoming sick, or dying increase. So all of you may want to get out that highlighting pen and pay close attention to the chapters ahead. I'll share with you how I not only survived, but thrived as a fifteen year veteran of care giving.
In my family the caregiver supreme, was my grandmother. If someone was sick, anywhere in the country, grandma was called in. The fact that she was a Master Herbalist and the Shaman of her tribe may have had something to do with this, but we all can't be Shamans, and we'll all probably be caregivers.
I adored my grandmother and spent weekends with her shopping the Asian food market in New York, watching her buy the herbs that we would later clean, boil, push through cheese cloth, or dry, in preparation for the many clients of all nationalities that used her services. My grandmother was a Master Herbalist, part Asian, part Native American, she could cure just about anything with her herbs. As a ten year old, I found this fascinating. By the time I was twelve I knew exactly what to do for a headache, a nose bleed, or cramps. I knew how to treat everything from an open wound to constipation. She taught me which herbs diminished migraines or lowered blood pressure. In retrospect, I believe she saw in me a healer and natural caregiver. She must have been right. Why else have I spent the last fifteen years as a caregiver to my husband? We'll talk more about that later. But for now: What's the first step? First, make sure your charge is safe, and relatively comfortable, checked into a hospital if necessary, then immediately call the nearest organization that has services for in firmed people and caregivers. It may be your local Council on Aging, Veterans Administration, Medicare, or AARP.
Ask them to send you pamphlets of all of their services, and I mean all. Even if you don't need them now you could quite possibly need them later.
Then stay tuned for my next blog: How am I going to do this?

A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving

"A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving"
Y.R. Raven, aka "Raven", former, fashion model (Marimekko, Bogner, Giorgio St. Angelo, Karl Lagerfeld), Broadway show actress/dancer (Bob Fossee, Gower Champion, Tommy Tune, Juan Carlo Esposito, Ron Howard, Meatloaf), and TV talk show host, has been a caregiver for over fifteen years to her husband, William E. Shelton, Jr., first African-American to manage a world class tennis player, Andre Agassi. A third generation New Yorker, and a graduate of the Dalton School and Sarah Lawrence College, her upcoming book, "A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving," chronicles her fifteen years of care giving (at one point caring for both her mother and her husband in two different cities).
When both her husband and then her mother were stricken with cancer, within months of each other, one in New York City and the other in Alexandria, Virginia, she fell back on her experience in TV Production and Fashion, and pretended that she was coordinating two shows in two different cities. She'd often created Production Books, normally used to produce shows and events. She used this same format to create a Production Book for Caregivers. For example, her Production Book for Caregivers covers, instead of rent studio space, contact agencies, hire models, it lists contact hospitals, find rehab centers, hire lawyers. It is humorous, light, and an easy read since the one thing care givers do not have is time. It's filled with practical how to tips and action lists, as well as tips on how to maintain beauty, wellness, and tranquility in your life, indeed have a life, while being a full time caregiver. This blog is the foundation of her upcoming book, A Fashionista's Guide to Care Giving. Since we may all become caregivers, whether we're ready or not, her first blog is titled "Thrust into Care Giving". It starts on February 1, 2011 and is dedicated to her mom and husband. Come along for the journey.